Am I Ruining My Friendships?
Your Other Dad Says: Change your expectations and stay in the moment
Each week in “Your Other Dad Says,” I answer questions from young people about navigating life in a very modern world.
Friendships can be amazing and amazingly tricky all at once. And, like everything else, they tend to evolve over time: what might feel like a safety net at one moment in your life feels more like a tightrope at another point. The younger you are, the harder it is to accept that most friendships don’t actually last a lifetime — and that that’s ok.
This week, I look at two seemingly opposing situations (one writer can’t keep friends and one wants to let them go) based on the same core question: Am I the problem?
Dear Other Dad —
How do I make friendships that actually last? I try so hard but I feel like they always get bored/annoyed with me.
– Ava
When you crave the predictability of a steady friendship, it’s hard if they do not last. One thing to do is to adjust your expectations in the moment. Yes, it would be great to know that you will have the same friend (or friend group) for a long time, but the nature of life is that we are promised only change. Instead of trying to figure out how to make a friendship last longer, think about how to enjoy it in the moment and how to make it rewarding right now.
One way to do that is stop trying so hard and just go with the interactions that feel most natural to you. By not “trying,” I mean resist the urge to deliver what you think others will want from you. Don’t feign interest in — or pretend to be knowledgeable about — topics they care about but that you don’t. Don’t try to win people over with treats or gifts. And don’t change your looks, your personality, or your values to be more appealing, all of which could come back to haunt you later when your truer self emerges.
Instead, be as authentically yourself as possible now. If you love anime, for instance, but not everyone at your school does, don’t hide it; others on your wavelength will never find you if you do. You don’t have to run around announcing “this is…
