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My Parents Won’t Stop Using My ‘Dead Name’ — What Do I Do Now?
Your Other Dad says it’s time to change the conversation
Each week Your Other Dad answers questions about navigating life in a very modern world.
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“Dear Other Dad —
I’m out to my parents as trans and they say they accept me but after 2 years they won’t use my pronouns or name. What do I do?
–Koda”
Two years is a long time, Koda, and you must be exhausted from the dailiness of this failure.
First, let’s talk about what your parents are doing right: They are offering at least verbal acceptance and not consciously distancing themselves from you. You might think that’s a low bar for praise, but considering how many other parents don’t even get that far, it’s worth acknowledging. Your parents may even feel proud of themselves for being accepting at the very same time as they badly underestimate how damaging it is to persist in your old name and pronoun usage.
I’ve talked to a lot of parents of trans youth about this issue and it is near universal that parents need time to grieve the lost name, which is the first gift they ever…
