The Divorcee’s Guide to Valentine’s

5 Ways to Celebrate for the Suddenly (or Not-so-Suddenly) Single

The first year that I had a boyfriend on Valentine’s, I was excited to go ALL ROMANTIC (capital letters required, obvi). Dinner reservations at a nice Chinese restaurant with appropriately red decor. Check! Overnight reservations at a cozy inn. Check! Chocolates in a little box. Check! Why, you’d think I’d been fed a steady diet of This is What Romance Looks Like! by the media or something. Seriously, I bought in and bought hard.

It should have been a warning to me that despite enjoying the meal, my date was really grumpy about the inn all night, not making nice till the next morning. I put the sweetest possible gloss on the debacle, calling it a milestone in our development as a couple; this was, after all, how I discovered that he didn’t care for surprises. In the future — since he was my husband for the next 20 years — we always ate Chinese on Valentine’s but never stayed at that or any other inn. I treated this tradition as a testament to the couple’s life lesson we learned that first night. Now that I’m divorced, it is clearer that I had also built a shrine to what he did and didn’t like.

Why all the fuss, anyway? When it comes right down to it, Valentine’s Day is just another 24 hours. But it’s hard to ignore how our entire culture goes all red velvet and Godiva over it. And I do love a holiday, so I’m going to partake, but the not the way I used to.

As a divorcee, I’m going to focus on someone I know will appreciate it: myself. If you’re once-partnered and now single, here are 5 simple ways you can do the same.

Love up on yourself. That’s one of the hardest tasks for many people after the end of a relationship, because break-ups can skew your perspective on your self-worth. After all the time you spent making someone else feel valued, it takes practice to turn that attention inward. One way to start is to catalog all the things you like about yourself. Seriously, write the list down or, better still, say it aloud. It might feel weird at first, but don’t duck out. (Nobody has to hear it but you!)

Treat yourself to things you like. Why not keeping going with a little external affirmation? Use the excuse of Valentine’s to indulge in whatever you fancy without worrying about whether a romantic partner would approve. Enjoy a honkin’ slice of cheesecake all by yourself or put pineapple and anchovies on the same damn pizza because you are the ruler of your own digestive tract.

Spread the love. Once you’ve addressed self-care, why not share the warm fuzzies? What if we all used Valentine’s to treat friends and family the way we treat a new partner? Text them corny emojis. Look for goodies that they like. Call and tell them how marvelous they are. Make them cards, sappy or witty or both. What if we cast affection widely around us, like glitter, leaving little glimmers of joy everywhere?

Take a break from dating apps. As you’ve no doubt discovered, dating apps may be full of nice folks, but to find them, you have to sift through bots, flakes, weirdos, too many people who stop their workout routines for selfies, and people who don’t understand that the average person can tell that a photo from 1984 is NOT RECENT. Give yourself a day or week or month off the apps (they’ll still be there when you want to return) so you can focus on enjoying real people you know (and don’t have to vet).

Don’t reject the future. Less time spent actively hunting for a match doesn’t at all mean scorning the possibility of romance finding you again someday if it’s something you want. Single doesn’t have to equal cynical, despite what the “down with love” folks tell you. It may seem counter-intuitive, but when you let a failed relationship turn you into a crabby misanthrope, this allows a lost lover to occupy an even more powerful role in your life. Why should something already past keep determining how you use the present?

This year I’m going to order Chinese take-out again. Not for tradition or nostalgia or Stockholm Syndrome, but because I LIKE CHINESE FOOD. (Seriously, my ❤️ belongs to scallion pancakes.) If I skipped the meal because it reminds me of my ex, that would make the day about him. Eating it because I want it for me does the exact opposite.

So, yes, I’m going to celebrate Valentine’s, and I’m not worried about whether I’ll get it right. I know my intended pretty damn well and I think he’s going to like what I have to offer.